Candlelight Vigil for Suicide Loss
Four years. Four years I’ve been volunteering and capturing this event. This event never gets easier to cover, but is always an honor for me to do so. During these four years there’s some faces I’ve seen repeatedly and I remember who they have lost. Some faces I don’t recognize and their pain may still be very new and raw. No matter where these humans are in their journey of loss and grief, it isn’t easy, of that I’m sure.
During the ceremony, every attendee is given the opportunity to say the name(s) of their loved ones lost to suicide if they choose.
This year the chosen speaker shared his story of many, many losses from suicide. I think his story touched a lot of hearts that night; I know it did for me. Even while I was working, taking photos around the group, I was listening to his story and it was full of heartbreak. He had lost so many people to suicide in his life. After his story there were other poems and songs performed during the ceremony that sought to show survivors they aren’t alone in their struggles.
There are always “activity” tables during this gathering too. There is a rock painting table, a Seeds of Hope table (write your loved ones name on a heart with seeds in it and it will be planted), a ribbon table (write a message on a ribbon and volunteers will hang it up), and tables with information about grief counseling and suicide prevention as well. But this year there was a table I hadn’t seen before; One Last Thing. There was a large banner with the words “One Last Thing” printed at the top, and there were already some people that had signed underneath these words. The idea was to write one last thing that you wanted to tell your loved one that you never got the chance to do. This is the first time I’ve seen this activity and it brought tears to my eyes immediately. I know the pain of having thoughts to share with someone but not being able to do so.
I’ve not had anyone directly connected to me die by suicide, but I’ve had multiple people near me lose people very close to them in this manner. I’ve not once seen it be a positive in the survivors lives. From my perspective, it’s always been very hard for the survivors to deal with, and I’m guessing they would rather have their loved one back with them rather than gone. I feel like the not knowing why, how things would have gone, etc., just the not knowing so many things about these situations may be one of the hardest parts for survivors.
Even though I’ve seen the outcomes of suicide loss via the survivors at this memorial, I can still minimally start to understand the thought-lines of those that have chosen to leave by suicide. I have had depression as well as suicidal ideations. I know what it feels like to feel as if you’re nothing but a burden to everyone you love. I know what it feels like to not want to take your troubles to loved ones, or anyone, because you already feel hard to deal with. I know what it feels like to not feel worthy of anything, even living. It’s hard to see both sides; survivors in the aftermath of someone’s decision to take their own lives, and to understand that this person more than likely had very dark thoughts and needed help and no one knew.
September is National Suicide Prevention Month and I think this is a topic we can discuss more openly and honestly. Maybe discussing this more will reduce the stigma around suicide and other mental health matters. I want you to be aware that anyone you’re close to could be feeling like a burden to everyone around them. If you think there’s a problem or something is off, ask about it. Check in with your loved ones even if it feels silly to you. If you yourself are struggling try to reach out to someone, even though it’s hard. I know it’s hard, I know.
You are worthy of help. You are not alone. You are loved.
If your friend is struggling with thoughts of suicide - LISTEN.
Taken from Stop Suicide Northeast Indiana website: (https://www.stopsuicidenow.org)
If you or anyone you know is experiencing thoughts of suicide look at these resources on Stop Suicide Northeast Indiana’s website: https://www.stopsuicidenow.org/getting-help. There’s a crisis text line AND a call line, as well a link to The Trevor Project website.